Birds and Bees Again

When I was 9, my friend Vanessa, who was 10 told me the facts of life. At least as far as she understood them. Her mom and dad were going to have a baby so they had told her how this came about and she decided to impart her new found wisdom. Vanessa told me that when I got married I was going to have to go to bed naked with my husband.

The horror! I denied that little bit of information. "No way!" I insisted. After all, I always saw mom and dad in pajamas, so I knew what she said wasn't true. "Well," conceded Vanessa,"you can wear your pajama tops, but not the bottoms." That made absolutely no sense to me. "You're wrong," I told her. And I promptly ran home. To ask my mother of course.

"No dear, when you get married, you can wear to bed whatever you want to wear." I knew it! I was vindicated.

"That's what I told her." And then I went to my room and read the "Fury" book I had started the day before. (The Fury series of books was about a stallion named Fury of course, and the boy who rode him)

It was actually the next year that I learned everything I needed to know about procreation. And I was horrified. And scared to death. At the same time we were doing the sex ed portion of our "Family Life" section of social studies, my mom was flat on her back in the living room. She has had back problems for years and would plunk herself on the floor in the living room for weeks at a time, not being able to move without excrutiating pain. Every day after school I would come home, sit on the floor next to her, and question her about what I had learned in class. For 3 weeks. Every day. It got to the point where my mother, a devout Catholic, finally had to assure me that when I got married and if I didn't want to have children, there was a pill I could take to prevent pregnancy.

Within a few years I had a better understanding of the whole sex and childbirth thing, but thinking back about what the teacher had "taught" us I really wonder about what was going through my head. I have very vivid memories of some parts of those classes but I know there's a lot I am repressing.

When I was 17 my folks and I had a discussion about when it's appropriate to teach children about sex. It came about after watching a talk show on the same subject. My parents always answered whatever questions we threw at them and we were taught from an early age to call a penis a penis and a vagina a vagina. There was no embarassment about bodies, their parts, and what they do, but sex was always in the context of marriage. When we were young anyway, as my folks were, and still are, good Catholics.

Anyway, the conversation about age appropriateness led to what Mrs. L was teaching me and my classmates. And my folks were shocked when I told them exactly what she had told us. I guess when I was 10 I didn't like to use some of the words Mrs. L had used, so my parents only knew that we were doing sex ed in class and mom figured the questions I had for her were only natural. Mrs. L would tell us the different ways you could have sex (standing up was one way I remember her telling us), the pleasure of an orgasm, the pain of childbirth, and all other fun things about sex. She told us the many different terms for sex including the swear words. Hearing your teacher use the F word is almost as shocking as hearing your parents swear for the first time.

I still have visions of Mrs. L at the front of the class, clenching her fists and squeezing her eyes shut as she told us about how good sex is. We were 10! I still shake my head and wonder about my classmates and if any of them were as frightened about the whole prospect of having sex, which led to babies, which meant pain of childbirth. Obviously 10 was too young for me but probably not for all of the rest of them.

This whole post came about as I was thinking about wills etc. this week. Before we had discussed the topic, I had already made the Wookie promise me that if I was hit by a truck or experienced some other fatal disaster, he'd go to my apartment and get rid of anything related to my sex life so my mother wouldn't have to deal with it on top of everything else. Not that there's a lot of stuff, or that any of it would be embarassing to me personally. It's not like I've got a closet full of rubber suits and heavy bondage items but we all have at least a drawer with sex related items in it, condoms, lingerie (to put it politely), that sort of thing.

And it's not that I think my folks don't know about sex. I give my parents sexy underwear for Christmas sometimes. I know some of you are going "Ick", but it's not like I ask them to model it for me. And I don't ask if they ever wear them. Basically I am acknowledging the fact that my parents, who after almost 46 years of marriage, are still in love with each other, and are human beings, and we know that human beings who are in love have sex. There. I said it. My parents have sex. At least I think they still do. Dad still pinches Mom's bum. Who knows, maybe they've got a closet full of rubber suits.

My mom is a teacher, retired now. Her sudents have ranged in age from 6 to probably 96. She taught high school for a while from Home Economics (called Human Ecology these days) to Math. And Sex Ed. It's only fitting that I continue the tradition. Last year, I was asked to be a facilitator with other MSers for a program called Journey to Wellness. I didn't have time to do the whole 8 week program but did the section on Healthy Relationships and Sex. Heaven knows, I've had enough unhealthy relationships to be able to recognize the warning signs and perhaps offer advice on maintaining a satisfying relationship. At least I think that's what the other facilitators thought. Besides, I was the only one who would say penis out loud.

S.

Penis, Vagina, and Breasts

I am not a therapist. I'm certainly no sex therapist. But I will talk about it and the things I've learned and researched as it pertains to me and others with MS. Which is why I was asked last year to facilitate the Healthy Relationships and Sex chapter of a Journey to Wellness program for fellow MSers. Part of what I presented to this group, and will present to a new group this year, follows.

One of the first sensations we have as babies, is the sensation of touch. In fact, the earliest sense to develop in the fetus is the sense of touch. Human babies, and other primates have been observed to have enormous difficulty surviving if they do not have this sense. As well, if babies are not touched and held, they have developmental difficulties.Touch is the most basic part of a sexual relationship. We don't usually just jump into sex without some other physical contact. Touching, exploring, caressing; these are all part of an introduction to sex.

But what if touch hurts you? Most of us with MS have experienced this. It's the reason I began to use a cane in the early days of my diagnosis, to keep people from touching, either deliberately or accidentally, the sensitive side of my body. Luckily the pain went away in a few weeks, but during that time an invisible line went through my body dividing it in half. The right side was on fire, itchy, and painful to touch. The left side was fine. The line that went through my body also divided my genitals. No amount of KY jelly in the world was going to enable me to have sex without serious pain. If the pain we experience from those sensory symptoms is longer than a few weeks, there are medications that can help reduce the pain. This is where having a frank and open dialogue with your doc is of benefit.

Another problem a lot of MSers face is spasticity. This one may take a little longer to figure out. Some positions may be difficult to hold for any length of time or may result in painful spasms. My first suggestion is to experiment. Which positions work best for you? Would extra pillows or styrofoam forms help you maintain a more comfortable position? Or perhaps ties or ropes to help keep you in a comfortable position. Maybe sitting on the kitchen table is the best position. Find what works for you and do it. And again, there are meds that can help ease spasticity.

What about the question of libido? Drugs, pain, and mental status all contribute to a lack of libido. Experimentation is the key word to libido. What made you think about having sex in the past? Try it again. Fantasize. What would you like to do but haven't done? Talk about it. Remember, what's between your ears is the most important sex organ you have. Have a "touching" party, where you do NOT have sex, but only touch and kiss. Make out like teenagers. That might take some of the pressure off having to "complete" an activity, and arouse feelings you thought were gone.

There are a whole slew of reasons people don't have sex when they have MS, both biological and mental. Bowel and bladder problems can be a definite hindrance. Buy rubber sheets or put down a painting tarp (or old shower curtain) for accidents. If you are able, empty your bladder before sex. Toys can be a great benefit for folks whose sensory abilities are reduced and need a little more physical stimulation. (For folks still shy about visiting adult stores there are a whole slew of them on line. And I read of a "Christian" online adult store, run by a husband and wife team) And TALK to your partner about your concerns. If you can't talk to your partner about what you want and need to have sex, that's a whole other can of worms you have to learn to deal with first.

Talking and experimenting are the two main things I suggest to people who are having difficulties with sex because of MS. We talk easily enough about the chili that gave us gas last night or the broken arm we had as a kid, but we have a harder time talking about sex. If you can say the word "finger" out loud, then you can say penis, vagina, or breast, too. Try saying out loud the words you find embarrassing. Repeat them until they roll off your tongue like other words. Communication is key to all of us. If saying certain things, or asking your partner for particular moves is difficult, consider writing or typing out what you want or don't want. Write it in the sand at the beach. Send a telegram. Act it out. Take out a personal ad in the paper, then when it's published, circle it and leave it for him/her to find it. As long as you get the message across, who cares how it's done.

And sometimes, even if you don't feel particularly sexy, engaging in sex can ignite the flame. It can also help you sleep better. And there are the added benefits of the hormones and chemicals it releases into your bloodstream that make you feel good, sometimes with pain-relieving effects.

Just like the lottery, where you can't win if you don't play, we can't get from sex what we want without some guidance for our partners. They're not mindreaders, after all.

S.
This is not a speech I give for the presentation. But it is an outline of the direction I go, with lots of room for discussion by and with the participants.
By the way, I'm interested in what suggestions you might have as far as this topic goes. What questions might you ask?