My Little Caddisfly

Every day I learn a little bit more about this creature. As it develops more, I can make out more identifying features and have narrowed down the type of caddisfly it is and therefore do better research. In the above pic you can kind of make out wings on the sides of the bug as it floats face down.

So today the little guy seemed to still be struggling to "get out" of his old skin. Turns out the undulating is really just its way of breathing. By squirming it washes water over its surface and it is able to take oxygen through its skin. And what I thought was old skin is really the new wings, legs, and anntennae structure, all folded up. When I came home from work today, it appeared to be unfolding. The Wookie was the one who suggested that was the "newer" part of the animal, which turned on the lightbulb over my head and I was able to better track it down on the internet.

These little creatures come out of their pupa stage v e r y s l o w l y. What I perceived as struggling was actually breathing and growing. After a few more days, I suspect this little guy will float to the surface and prepare for flight.

Imagine you're a trout in a stream looking for something to eat. "Ooooo....a green wormy thing.....", gulp, and that's the end of the caddisfly. Or you go to the surface of the stream and you see a green wormy thing just floating there, wiggling around a little bit as it tries to break the surface tension and escape its former watery domain (sounds rather poetic). So you gulp it down. Good for the trout. Not so good for the caddisfly. But that's why insects have kajillions of eggs. There are enough of these insects that manage to evade becoming breakfast, lunch, or dinner, that the cycle continues.

And sadly, life is short when you're an insect, especially when you become an adult. In many species you don't even get to enjoy a good meal. It's just sex then die. Not even dinner first! Many moths and some caddisfly adults have little in the way of mouths. Some have a piercing probe to suck up nutrition from an available plant, but some have nothing, so die soon after becoming an adult. Their halcyon days are when they're wormy. I find it ironic that gorgeous creatures like moths live for such a short time. Candles in the wind I guess. Which is why I don't feel too guilty in catching adult insects and putting them in the freezer for later study and mounting.

On the fish front, I'm still not a grandmother. I just fear that I'll not be home when the birth occurs and the other two fish will eat the babies. The mother holds off on the cannibalism until about 12 hours after the birth as hormones dictate to her that she's not hungry. After that, "all's fair" as they say.

The wasp larvae seem to be in a holding pattern. I have seen some similar adult species outside recently but not the blue mud daubers that I have. So it'll be a little while yet.

This weekend is a long weekend in Canada (and other commonwealth countries) and next week I'm on vacation. I will be cleaning, gardening, and fundraising for the MS Bike Tour. But no biking yet. Maybe in a couple of weeks.

S.

Strength

As a child I was horse crazy. I still kind of am, though not enough that I have horses on my walls, pillows, etc. Horses are huge, gentle, creatures, with unmatched beauty and grace. And speed. I'm not sure what always attracted me to horses, but like many young girls, I was horse crazy. I read every series of horse books out there including the Black Stallion and Fury series. I knew about colic in horses, and how it can kill them. I knew about fetlocks and feathers, gaits and geldings, withers and warmbloods. My CCM supercycle was turquoise and one speed and I named it Mustang.

I learned to ride when I was 13 on a gorgeous buckskin gelding named Nugget. I had no idea what I was doing but I learned quickly and within a couple of days was able to ride bareback. I stuck to that horse like a burr, though I hope not as annoying. He was the eldest horse at the stable and apparently the gentlest. The only fly in the ointment was his experience as a youngster with a barb-wire fence and his face. He still bore the scars of his entanglement and that endeared him to me even more. He did take off in fright on the first day. When on a trail ride we had to walk across a barb wire fence laid down in the field in preparation for installment. As soon as he saw it, he sped off with tiny little me on his back pulling on the reins as hard as I could. I was small for my age and it took everything I had to stop him. That's when they explained to me about his bad experience. Nugget had several black lines on his tan face. They were the scars from the fence and as far as I was concerned, they were streaks of beauty. They gave him a story.

One horse story I read as a kid was The Blind Colt by Glen Rounds. It's a wonderful story about the birth and first year of life of a blind colt and the boy who catches and trains it. (As an adult I went looking for the book and it took a while to track down and order.)

I also had an affinity for Beethoven as a kid. I took piano lessons for several years and my favourite composer by far was Ludwig. The fact that the man composed some of the greatest music the world has ever heard while he was deaf, impressed me to no end. I had a poster of Einstein on my wall when I was 10. What I liked about him was that he had failed a grade or two in school but still went on to become...well, you know what happened to him.

As a teenager, I was a real geeky kid. I enjoyed school and reading and in grades 8 and 9 was bullied for this. I was once mistaken for a boy at the age of 14 (I was a late bloomer) and I didn't fit in with most of the kids in school so I spent a lot of time by myself. I was different and felt it. Nugget, The Blind Colt, Beethoven and Einstein all became role models for me as I navigated the typical angst ridden teenage years. I knew that whatever hell I was going through at the time would eventually come to an end, though that was little solace then. I couldn't wait to be an adult where I'd be in the company of other adults who wouldn't treat me like an outcast. Naive, eh?

I'm not sure why I had an affinity as a kid for the underdog or those with a traumatic life experience. Being small, perhaps I saw strength in those facing "disabilities" or challenges and admired that. Perhaps the Gods were foreshadowing my own challenges.

S.

Bug Update

You may be wondering what exactly you're looking at. Me, too. Actually, what I thought was a giant caddisfly larva may be something else entirely, but I'm still working on identifying it. In the above picture you can see it poking out of the little twig it has been using for a home. The twig itself is 2 inches long and this thing almost filled it.
On the floor of the aquarium is green gravel and a bunch of different coloured beads. The twig in the back along the bottom has about a half inch of exposed larva sticking out on the left. It was just out cruising around for food. It did eat the other two littler caddisfly larvae.
So yesterday morning after having this creature in my possession for two weeks, I discovered it had abandoned it's twig home. In the pic above it appears as a green worm-like alien. Last night it began wiggling like mad, seemingly to rid itself of it's outer skin. After not having seen it for a couple of days, it would appear it's in some stage of metamorphosis. you can make out one eye close to the top of its head.
This afternoon it still hasn't managed to get out of its skin, but it still tries...between rests.
Also in the aquarium are two female guppy feeder fish (not to be confused with the Gund stuffed animals behind the aquarium or the hanging glass seahorse). You can see very dark spots on their abdomens, which apparently are the eyes of the baby guppies waiting for birth. Yep, guppies are live breeders. No eggs in the sand for these things.

Perhaps now you can understand my excitement last night. And I haven't even talked about the wasps! I'll save that for another post. Don't want to get you too excited all at once.

S.

300

A big round of congrats to Charles as he's posted his 300th Podcast. And since today is Wednesday, when he usually features some silly thing I've written and recorded, go check out today's Podcast about the movie 300 and the connection I made between ancient Spartans and MS. Or just click on the link on the right.

There was much excitement in my household late last night as I discovered some interesting goings on in my aquarium. I even have a picture or two to share but it will have to wait until later today. My remaining cannibalistic caddisfly is morphing as is one of my wasp larvae, and at least one of the feeder guppies is about to explode with a bunch of babies(I certainly hope not 300). Gotta do the work thing first but will be back this afternoon to let you know what's happening. In the meantime, talk amongst yourselves...

S.

Stress

I have spent the past week and a half recovering from surgery. I have slept at least half that time. I call myself the Queen of Naps, but even this past week I have amazed myself. I have not been able to keep myself awake all day even once. I am going back to work on Monday and I suspect that when I get home I'll be going to bed again.

For about two weeks before the surgery I had planned on going for a massage as I was really beginning to feel a lot of tension in my shoulders and neck. Surprisingly, I haven't felt a need to go for a massage since the surgery. My shoulders and neck have miraculously healed themselves.

And that's when it struck me. I was really worried about the surgery and what it might find, so much that the worry manifested itself physically. I usually know when I'm stressed out about something. I'm quicker to cry. At the pre-op clinic, the nurse asked me how I dealt with stress. I told her, I cry. Which also explains (partly) why I sobbed like a baby coming out of the anaesthesia. For an hour and a half. Stress relief I suppose.

How bizarre, I have been thinking for several days. And I'm only now realizing all this. I have long been aware of physical manifestations of stress or anxiety but only now am I applying that knowledge to myself.

I have had "stress" dreams, mostly about work, but have always recognized those for what they were, and have tried to deal with them and the stress that caused them. Solve the problem, or deal with it, and the stress and the dreams stop. But how do you deal with a stressor that cannot be fixed with simple problem-solving or talking about it? You have to work towards eliminating the stressor. That in itself might be enough to at least reduce the stress, which goes a long way toward mental health.

But stress is a part of life, and scientists and doctors will tell you a vital part. When we were chasing or being chased by sabre toothed tigers, it was stress that allowed us to get away or fight. Nowadays, we don't have those prehistoric tigers to deal with, but our stressors are just as life threatening. Work, family, neighbours, taxes, bills...these all stress us to a degree and how we cope with them influences our quality of life.

And that's the key. Coping. Crying works to relieve some stress but it doesn't remove the stressor. So the stress will reoccur. Instead you have to find a way to deal with it. In my example of the successful surgery, my stressor was removed (literally and figuratively). But in the days before the surgery, perhaps talking to someone about what was on my mind may have alleviated it sooner. I wasn't even entirely aware of the stress until afterwards so I'm not sure if this was a viable option for me at the time.

This whole experience has brought to light one thing (and I knew it would): stress in everyday life has to be dealt with. And if your MS is a part of your life, that, too has to be included. How do you deal with the stress of MS? Do you talk to someone about it? Write about it? Look at all possible outcomes and plan for them? Planning seems to be key for me. It gives me some feeling of control over what happens to me. I write about it, a lot in the past six months. That helps me work through some ideas. I talk to some people about it depending on our relationship. And that helps in some circumstances.

There's no magic elixir to dealing with stress. It may be like the 5 stages of grief people go through when someone has died. You have to work through a bunch of steps before you can deal with the stress. Whatever the case, you can't deny that stress is a part of an MSers life. What you can do though, is deal with it.

S.

Row row row your boatman....

On the bug front, interesting news. Of sorts. I suspect the largest of the caddis fly larvae ate one of the littler ones. I found bits of it on the bottom of the aquarium. On Saturday we were outside sitting in the sun for a bit and a bug dropped from the sky in front of me. I got up to investigate and discovered a cute little water boatman. They fly from pond to pond looking for food and mates and occasionally drop to the earth for a rest. Of course I scooped it up and took it inside to the aquarium and plopped it in. It dove to the bottom immediately and spent a little time swimming around. A few hours later I went back to take a look and he was gone. It's been two days and there's no sign of it anywhere. I will undoubtedly find a little dried exoskeleton at some point.

S.

Cysts Gone

Two cysts, two fibroids, and an ovary later I'm up and around. I am looking forward to posting about this fascinating experience, but it will have to wait as I'm really really really tired.

Suffice to say, it was the best possible outcome, with no complications, and only one surprise for the surgeon. Apparently he was so impressed with what he saw through the scope he called the surgeon in the OR next door to come take a look. Cool. That's what I'm on this earth for, to teach others I guess. I am on schedule with my recovery, even going so far as to go outside to the grocery store with the Wookie and for a movie to watch later. We were moving at the speed of molasses in January, but we were out.

Now to get rid of the rest of the CO2 swirling around in my insides and walk a little more tomorrow. And I hope to be back at the keyboard for a little longer than two minutes at a time.

Oh! And thank you to all who had good thoughts and prayers for me. I am so lucky to have an extended internet family.

S.